Words from the King Himself:
"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. " (John 14:6)
Thinking about truth. Not the wishy washy truth of the world but hard truth. Truth that can't be ignored no matter how hard you try. There are a million variations of worldly truth out there. One minute the media touts one "truth" and then it changes it completely into a new "truth."
I have lived a life being tossed on the sea of the world. I've changed my stance on issues as quickly as the news changed. I know that worldly truth is false.
There is only one truth that ever changes: Jesus Christ is the Messiah. He is the King. He is the only way that we will escape hell. He is the Truth of Life.
If we, as Christians, insist on sugar coating truth to the lost we are merely serving them barbed wire coated in chocolate and merely smiling as they choke it down. Too graphic? To bleak? To dark?
Not graphic enough! Not bleak enough! Not dark enough! The truth of this world and the one who rules it is so much darker than people understand.
We are handing out sugar coated death sentences when we fail to tell the lost the entire truth about our Lord!
He is loving, merciful, graceful, caring and forgiving to us.
He is also the Judge, the Truth, The Holy One, The Almighty.
We do Him a disservice when we only tell people about one side of the coin.
Let's stop dealing in the sweet, sticky things of our enemy. Let's deal in the glorious burning TRUTH OF CHRIST to the darkness around us.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
The Blue Streak of My Soul
26 And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. (Ezekiel 36:26-27)
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I changed my hair yesterday. Perhaps I'm suffering from a midlife crisis or I'm just rebellin' a little. Which ever it is I did it and I don't regret it.
I called up my hairstylist and said, "I need a change! Something has to change! I want color, lots of color." I'm sure that he wanted to tell me to slow down Rainbow Bright. I settled on blonde streaks with promised Luscious Lavender streaks. All I can say is, "the best laid plains of mice and men."
My rebellion streaks, remember those Luscious Lavender things I mentioned earlier, well they turned into Blue Smurf streaks. I'm sure you are just riveted to your computer screen reading about my hair adventure. This really isn't about my hair, it may have started there but it ended in my soul.
My hair caused some shock and awe at church. You know a good ol' Southern Baptist pastor's wife ain't supposed to be loud, sarcastic, moody, bossy, opinionated and darn tootin' she ain't supposed to have blue hair! I forgot to read the memo when Jesus signed me up for this ministry and truth be told, I think HE forgot to read it when HE designed me. I've tried to hard for 7 1/2 years to shove my rotund body in the square mold of a good and correct pastor's wife. If you are keeping up with the math that's only 6 months that I've been just trying to be who I'm designed to be and see what happens.
Perhaps my blue streaks are my rally cry? The women of the 60's cried out how they were "woman" hear them roar! Perhaps I'm saying, "I am just a woman....I'm gonna holler now!" And to others I just want them to holler to! Be you, not the mold that the world sets around our beloved Christianity.
And most definitely do not try to shove your unique self into the mold that we Christians have place strategically in our faith.
My hair also caused some stares in the general public. Ok, this is a different feeling because people who don't know you wear exactly how they feel on their expressions when they see you. I spied my Mom and Ms. Carol eating lunch at a local Mexican place so I sauntered in to see what was going down with them two. You gotta keep an eye on them Golden Girls you know! Anyway, as I walked in a little lady was sitting in a booth, munching on a chimicanga or an empanada, and when she laid eyes on my hair. . . well let's just say I was worried that she was gonna choke on that Tex-Mex as she eyed me from head to toe.
Now for a moment I forgot that my hair is bold now. I had forgotten I'd done something to stand out from the herd. I'm that sheep with the weird colored fur - wait, do sheep have fur?? Anyway you get the picture. It snapped for a second, "Oh yeah! You have blue in your hair dummy! What did you expect her to do."
I smiled real big like at Chimichanga-chicky and moseyed on to my Mom. I'm pretty good and playing things off when they get to me. Have a good laugh. Crack a joke and I'll get over it eventually. I didn't get offended at her look. I got scared to stand out.
I wanted to change MYSELF to appease her IDEA of NORMAL. I wanted to go back to the acceptable color of hair. The color of hair that doesn't make anyone quirk and eyebrow or look at me for longer than a few seconds. See, I'm ok hugging the wall. I'm the flower that rests BEHIND the wallflower and I'm cool with that. I felt abnormal as I walked out of that place, hoping that she would forget me.
As I walked down to the pharmacy I almost got in the truck and just left. Figured I could stay inside for a few weeks until it faded. I remember something my hair guy said about baking powder and water....or was it soda? Then I felt that gentle nudge of God's HOLY SPIRIT inside me and I just shook my head and laughed. Maybe my blue hair streaks aren't holy enough for some to think that God cares but I can assure you that He does. He cares so much.
My heart became calm and suddenly my blue streaks were a reminder of who I am in Jesus Christ! See I'm called out from among the lost. I've been shined up like a new penny people! I'm illuminated like a bonfire in the middle of nowhere but you can see the glow for miles before you find yourself at the fire's edge. So what if my blue streaks are just an illumination of what I feel inside?
What if they are the spark that gets someone to ask me about them and then I can talk to them about an even greater fire I carry around? One they can't see like my hair. One that burns slowly, embers that have been stoked for the past 12 years inside me.
So, I've decided that my hair is a shadow of my soul that resides with Jesus right now! Don't you dare expect me to be in Heaven running around just in white! I mean yeah, I want to wear that white but I can guarantee you that my Jesus, my Abba, will let me wear a rainbow of colors in my hair! You'll see me about town, New Jerusalem, with my ribbons and rainbow colored hair, because God has NEVER lost His claim on the rainbow even though it's been hijacked by sin. The RAINBOW OF COLORS IS HIS! It's a rainbow ya'll, not a black/white arch! RAINBOW
And please let me warn you before hand; don't come at me with the "we shouldn't make our brothers stumble." I gotta say that if my blue streaks cause someone to stumble AWAY FROM JESUS, then they weren't ever headed toward Him in the first place.
Let me tell you something dear reader!! When I saw Jesus there wasn't anything in this world that could have kept me away from Him. Nobody with funky hair, funky body odor or a funky sense of style could have kept me from Him! I was the woman with the issue of blood. I was spiritually anemic. I NEEDED HIM MORE THAN I NEEDED POPULAR APPROVAL!
So, I like my blue streaks. When these fade I'll get another color if I choose. It's my hair that Jesus gave me. All curly, gnarly, frizzy and mysterious. I'm sure there are a few sets of keys and maybe a small animal or two in the knots that form but they are my knots. HE knows every hair on my head. HE has them numbered. HE KNOWS ME and HE LOVES ME ANYWAY!
I'll close with this. I love you all but if I blow your idea of a PC appropriate Pastor's wife......GOOD! You need to destroy those molds that keep us bound up in legalism and unable to focus on worshiping Jesus. So from now on, when you see my hair, NO MATTER WHAT COLOR IT IS, just remember to tell Jesus you love him for your life here and in the hereafter.
I'd be proud of that.
Mar
Monday, June 2, 2014
I Only Want . . .
My Beloved, bring me awake
Take me up to Your resurrection place
My Beloved, bring me awake
'Cause I wanna feel Your light on my face
My Beloved, take me away
Over Jordan up out of this place
My Beloved, for You I wait
With You here till forever face to face
Oh, there's a Sun coming up
In my soul, Lord in my soul
I see the Light
I see the Light
Oh thank you God I see the Light
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A day is going to come when I see Jesus face to face. I have no idea if it will be after death or when He comes back to claim His church.
What I do know is that I am going to live forever! So many amazing things are promised to me because I am His Beloved. Things that are beyond my imagination -- I have a great imagination by the way!
All those things promised are so over whelming. Can I just say that I only want one thing. . . well maybe a few more things! :)
I want to see His face.
I want to bow at His feet.
I want to fall on my face and touch His scarred feet with the very tip of my fingers. Would I even be able to lift a finger?
I want to feel His hands pull me up and smooth back the hair from my face.
I want to open my eyes and see His beautiful face through the lens of my tears.
I want to hear Him say, "Well done my daughter! I love you."
I want to hear His voice and feel my entire body tremble at the tone.
I want to find my voice in His presence and laugh! I want laughter to peal from my lips as I find myself in His embrace. I love to laugh in this life and I can only imagine how much better laughter will be with Him.
I want to feel His kiss on my cheek and His arms around me. Holding me close.
I can't wait until that moment because I'll never fear again. I'll never wonder again. I'll never doubt again.
My Beloved, take me away!
My Testimony
I remember walking into a small church in the country. I was arrogant in my sinfulness. I had agreed to go because I loved my husband. I was cocky and angry that he even asked me. Hadn't we agreed early in our marriage that we would pursue our "religious" life separately and not judge each other? I remember feeling sick to my stomach as I stepped foot inside that building. I wasn't there to be saved. I didn't need the Christian view of God, I had my own gods. I believed in the god and goddess. I believed in mother nature and the law of karma. I didn't want to be a robot. Nope, I'll skip the Kool-Aid thank you Mr. Jones.
There was absolutely nothing in my life before my salvation that would have pointed to the life I have now. I grew up in a home completely devoid of God. When I say there was no God, there was no God. It's not an exaggeration to get your attention. It's the cold hard truth. The gods of violence, drugs, alcohol, sexual deviance and abuse reigned in my life. There was no light and certainly no mention of Jesus Christ. I'm sure there were Christians in my middle school and high school but I was never witnessed to. I know there were Christians in my family but still no mention of Jesus and His love for me. There was only darkness and the struggle to just maintain my sanity in the chaos of my life.
I worshipped very early in my life at the feet of the god that controls narcotics. I could self medicate pretty easily in my home. I learned which pills made me sleep and which ones just mellowed me out. I knew how many I could steal before my mother, in her own drug induced haze, would notice them gone. While other kids were getting excited for kids camp or riding their bikes, I was slipping the pills onto my tongue and waiting for the release that came with it. I was ten when I took my first pill. I was twelve when I crushed a Pepsi can and smoked weed out behind our trailer. I figured out what inhaling and holding was all by myself. I didn't have friends at that time who taught me. No one led me down the path of destruction outside my own home. I just figured it out.
By the ancient age of 13 I was full blown marijuana user, regular partaker of pills and I began to drink. Anything to remove me from my surroundings. Anything to keep me from realizing that I was completely different from every kid in my school. I needed to be numb to the fact that they were never going to accept me, I'd never be a popular kid. I knew from the first day in 6th grade that people just knew about my life. They didn't know everything but I'm sure they had heard rumor from the adults in their lives. I was "that" kid in school. The one at the very bottom of the social ladder. I didn't explode, instead I imploded. I had a small group of outcast friends. We clung together in our feeble little herd just hoping we'd get through one day with out some sort of ridicule or cruel joke. Rarely happened.
Something changed my life in the 8th grade. My mom got one of those book club flyers in the mail. Pick out 5 books for a penny! What a deal! I picked out fiction titles. All of them were dark, horror novels. I had never read anything remotely dark or dealing with the occult. My first book every into that world was "It" by Stephen King. I received it right after school let out my 8th grade year. I was faced with another summer of nothing to do. I didn't go to church. No one invited me to camp. Nothing was keeping me from reading. I picked up "It" with the clown on the front cover and read for 24 hours straight. I finished that book over night and I was forever changed. I was terrified! I remember being too scared to go to the bathroom so I had to run and flip on all the lights. Pennywise haunted my dreams for weeks after.
I wasn't scared enough to stop and seek out something bright and airy. Why would I? What in my life would have directed me that way? Something felt right about reading these dark things. My next book was the Stand. My mind was blown! It began my interest in the occult and I spent the next 15 years delving into every inch of that dark world. I've never really been one to watch movies but when I did back then it was everything dark and twisted but the written word was always my muse. It still is today but for different reasons. I devoured books over that summer. I don't remember where I got them but there just seemed to appear. I read every book that Stephen King wrote by the time I was a junior.
I changed a lot from the timid freshman outcast. I had moved to Houston and attended a massive high school where no one knew who I was. Nobody cared about my home life. I was invisible and I loved it. I found strength in it. I branched out and actually sought friendships. Then we moved back to my hometown in the middle of my junior year. I was devastated and so angry. I went from being a nobody in a very large fish tank to "that" girl in a tiny goldfish bowl. I was the freak again. I was the one that was perpetually excluded. I had never stood up for myself in the years before my return that year. I had always just walked away from the insults or tried to just ignore it. If I could just walk into the classroom and keep my head down maybe the hyenas would be circling another poor sap. That year I was mad at the world. I snapped back in a class at one of the popular kids and I actually screamed at them! I remember it so vividly because I went to the principals office. I had never been in trouble. I spent a lot of time in the OCS and the principals office after that. I had found my dysfunctional voice and I was roaring with anger. Lots of anger.
Dear reader please understand that I am not bitter about my school years. I'm really not! I have forgiven every person that hurt me in those years. They were kids and I don't know what their lives were truly like. So, please know that I am not ragging on those people and saying they were the cause of my bad life. The only thing I really want to know from someone is why no one ever shared Christ with me? I know a lot of them went to the local 1st Baptist and other churches. I'd heard them talking many times about youth group and activities but never once was I invited. No one ever looked at me and thought for a second that maybe what I needed was some Light in my life. That being said I could ask the very same question of people in my own family! Just simply, why?
I barely graduated (thank you Lynett for making me do the right thing) and struggled for years. I still wanted the things of the darkness. I loved anything mystical or supernatural. I sought out spirits. I wanted a spirit guide. All the while fueling myself with drugs and alcohol. Spiritually I was a swirling mass of everything dark. I was vile and putrid. I was the enemy of God. I was the solider who gladly nailed Jesus' feet to the cross. Back then I would have done it and smiled. I didn't care about anyone or anything. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to be something powerful. To make sure that no one ever had power over me again. I wanted power to make my own choices and decide my own fate. My love affair with the occult made that happen for me, or so I thought.
Years ticked by. I got married and had kids. I loved those three people as much as I could at the time. I was broken inside. I had done so many things to myself and those around me. I was hateful, bitter, mean, fearful and so very lost. I never found that power I thought Wicca would give me. I had the altar, the statues of the god and goddess, the special branch and rocks. I cast runes and read tarot. I had a spell book. I prayed to those dead things on that pathetic altar and nothing ever happened. I was one of the 500 prophets of Baal who faced off against Elijah. My god was busy, couldn't hear me, maybe he/she forgot their phone. I was floundering in my life and it was all because my spiraling vortex of a dark soul was imploding on itself.
I was a dark warrior. I hated everything about Christ and most definitely His followers. Those self absorbed hypocrites! I could tear down a Christian in an AOL chat room like a pro. Oh, did I mention at this point in my life the internet boomed and AOL came on the scene. That opened up worlds of communication that this ol' introvert loved. I would spend hours upon hours debating with Christians in their own chat rooms. Pointing out inconsistencies in their precious Bible. Tearing Jesus limb from limb. I would write out the most vile things about Jesus and their religion. I was wicked.
Society was turned "wicked" into a cool slang word. The reality of being wicked isn't cool. Its horrifying. I was a beast. I thought I was so free and enlightened. So much more intelligent than those Christians in the chat rooms. Don't forget this was the only experience I had with Christians. No flesh and blood interactions at this point. If I could have seen myself in the spiritual world I would have been shocked to death. Spiritually I was a groveling slave at the feet of Satan. I would have seen myself bound in chains from head to toe. I would have seen terrible things about myself. Jesus saw me as I was back then and He loved me still. Even when His children didn't reach out to me in my prison cell, He saw me. He kept me alive. There are 3 distinct moments in my life where I should have died. Jesus had other plans and I survived. They are actual miracles in my life. God's providence making itself known in my puny, evil, wicked life. He had a plan and nothing was going to thwart that plan.
I had a clinical, sure 'nuff, nervous breakdown at the age of 26. I cracked like an egg over a hot skillet. My mind, heart, soul and body just couldn't take the emotional load I had been carrying since childhood. I'd had enough and I lost touch with reality. I've been through extensive psychotherapy and countless counseling sessions. I've been on just about every "crazy" med you can think of. I was taking Seroquel nightly at one point just to be able to sleep. I was being demonically attacked constantly after my nervous breakdown. Maybe you don't believe in that kind of thing but I'm living proof it happens. It's real. The battle is raging and we can't always see the battlefield.
Jumping forward to my 30th year, I was a shell. I had full blown OCD, Agoraphobia, Panic/Anxiety and major, crippling depression. Meds kept a lot of it at bay but it didn't cure me. It's at this point that Jesus decided it was time to bring me on board. My calling out from the darkness had nothing to do with me in the beginning. I did not want to go to church! I had no idea what craziness was working in my husband but I was not amused. That Saturday night before going to church I smoked every big of weed I had. I was protesting in my own way. I had no way of knowing that Jesus was calling me for His army. He had a magnificent plan of redemption for me. I was fearfully and wonderfully made and I was going to see that! His time had come in my life.
My salvation story isn't super exciting. In fact, it's pretty bland I suppose. I was sitting in my living room in the middle of the night and I just got on my knees. I cried a lot. I remember talking to Jesus, asking Him to please be real. I let Him know that I most certainly could not take another false god in my life. I needed Him to be exactly who He said He was in the Bible. I needed Him to live up to the hype that His people shared with me. He had to be real. In that moment of me pouring out my heart to Him I just knew. I knew He was real and that He loved me. I also saw all my sin vividly and I was wrecked. I was sick and I couldn't have stopped crying if I tried. It was at that moment, at 30 years old, that I truly saw how wretched I was. How much I had wrecked my spiritual self with all the darkness I embraced. I saw that I had opened myself up to so much wickedness and that I had no one to blame. I couldn't blame my mom. I couldn't blame the kids in school. I couldn't blame anyone but myself. I couldn't even blame Satan. I had made my choices.
I'm not sure how long I stayed on the floor. At some point I think I was face down on the carpet. When I stumbled to my feet I was a new creation and I felt it!! I was now a warrior princess in the family of the one true King of the Universe! I wasn't invisible and pathetic anymore. I remember feeling like I was on fire inside! I felt light as a feather. I had never felt light as a feather but it was awesome!! Of course, I cried all over again but they were tears of thankfulness. He had taken my load that was so heavy on my shoulders. Years of self loathing, bitterness, isolation, depression, abandonment gone! So many more burdens were lifted and they are too great to list here. Some of my burdens are not things that I will ever share. Those are between me and my Jesus.
I am now 42 and I am always preparing for the battle. Satan simply loathed me before salvation. Since my salvation he despises me to the depths of his black heart. I'm not some super special Christian that caught the eye of Satan. I'm a Daughter of the King who was rescued by her Prince! Jesus destroyed the chains that were holding me, biting into my skin, keeping me from looking up into the Son. I still struggle with my mental issues. It's a matter of the brain, it's real and it's something I'll struggle with till I go to Him. That's ok I can handle it because I know that every day that Jesus keeps me on this earth I have training to do. I'm learning all the time. I never want to stop learning! I have so much space to fill in a void that was left by the darkness. I want as much Light as I can stand and then I want even more!
So that's my condensed salvation story. I'm long winded, I'm told that a lot! I hope that it helps someone. Maybe it'll stir something in a heart that is dark. Maybe it will perk up the hear of a fellow Christian who is dulled by this world. The battle isn't over because I got saved. The battle is raging on still but the awesome thing is that Jesus Christ has already won! I'm on the winning side! He picked me! He saw something good in me! He saw something in me that He wanted for Himself! Can you believe that? I hope that you can believe it because it's true. Not just for me but for you too.
With the love of Christ,
Mar
Saturday, May 31, 2014
My Endless Love
Yes, I know it's a cheesy song from the early 80's Those of us who were teens in the 80's remember that it was the song for the move of the same title. I barely remember the movie and it's not really important to this post. I just like the cheesy title since I'm going to blog about my love for my hubby.
Twenty-two years is a long time to be married today. We know lots of couples who have been married more than once. Lots of blended families. I'm not speaking badly of those situations just laying some ground work here for my blog. We were married at the ages of 18 and 19, only about 6 months after we first met. In fact, Teddy asked me to marry him on our first date. Now he didn't propose undying love he was simply trying to get lucky! His words! Our whirlwind love affair started at an ice cream shop called "Vanilla Ice." I can't make these things up people!
I suppose any love story that starts out in a place that served chunky chocolate by the scoop and had a pool table in it has got to survive the test of time right? Teddy rambled in one Saturday afternoon because his little brother was about to get his butt handed to him over a pool game. I'll never forget seeing him saunter into that place like he owned it. Long flowing dark blonde hair, flip flops . . . did I mention that he was wearing Bart Simpson boxer shorts as shorts? Yeah, I probably could have left that detail out. I thought he was pretty hot I mean I have always had a thing for long haired guys. It's left over from my teen years as an 80's rock chick. Let's just say that in the high society town of White Oak, Texas he was an oddity.
As much as I noticed him, he had noticed me. He swears it was my legs that caught his eye. I was a lot skinner back then and I was pretty cute. Cute enough to have a thing with a younger guy in White Oak that drove Teddy crazy. Crazy to the point that one night while I was on a date with the other guy he followed us all over the place in his rusted out Pinto! Eventually I gave in and he took me out on my very first date. When I used the word "date" earlier it wasn't a date. It was simply sex. Perhaps that's a bit blunt but it was reality for me at the time. For me I had learned to equate attention from guys with sex. That's how it was. I had become numb to that.
So here was this guy wanting to actually take me out on a date! I had no idea what that meant but I was pretty sure eventually it would just mean sex. Wasn't that what dating was all about? I had resolved myself to the fact that I wasn't ever going to have a boyfriend or anything serious but at least I could have come companionship however brief it was. He picked me up in his Pinto and it broke down on the way to the restaurant! HA! I'll never forget him hopping out of the car like it was no big deal and fiddling under the hood. I honked the horn. He bumped his head. It was the first time we had a genuine laugh at being silly.
Our first date was so strange but sweet for me. He took me to the Cotton Patch. I thought that was so fancy! I was scared to eat in front of him so I ordered a salad. A salad is safe right? Figured I would scarf something down later but right now I was going to look dainty. Umm, my salad came in a punch bowl with a gravy boat of ranch dressing! People, I am not kidding! It was the biggest salad I had ever seen. Teddy laughed all night about that. I took a doggy bag home of salad but I remember thinking I loved that he laughed so much. I hadn't really experienced that with anyone by my few friends.
Somehow we ended up at the mall. I wasn't really a mall girl. We went into a store, I think it was called General Merchandise but I can't really remember, and he led me to the jewelry department. Well let me tell you I was freaking out! What the heck was he trying to pull? I mean at that time in my life I would have "given it up" without some jewelry!! He bought me a small ring with two connected hearts that very first night. Not only that he put it on my finger. Later that night he would tell me he was going to marry me. I was petrified by this guy but at the same time I was pretty sure I had met the man meant for me.
Our next date was pretty simple. We went to a park at night and sat on the swings and talked. Oh and we kissed! Well what was throwing me for a loop was that he wasn't pushing sex on me. In fact, he wanted to take me to the Gregg County Fair on our next date! Well now THAT is a date! So, we walked into the fair a few days later and for the first time in my life a guy held my hand. I remember thinking "What is wrong with this dude??" My hand got clammy and I was constantly rubbing it on my jeans but he always took it back in his hand. Eventually I was smiling and kept looking down at that mash up of fingers and thought it was really nice. Our sweet walk around the fair was interrupted by an "ex" of mine. Not really an ex just someone I had slept with in my quest for intimacy. He called me over and actually flirted with me in front of Teddy. Teddy didn't not like that and basically told the guy to never talk to me or look at me again. Ha! I was freaking out inside because no guy had ever took up for me or "fought" for me. Well, this was getting really interesting and I was in uncharted waters.
I sort of imploded a bit and tested his nerves I think. I showed up very drunk at his home one night. I think that subconsciously I was trying to see if I could run him off. Didn't work and he stuck with me. I moved in with him and his mother about six weeks after meeting him. (Please note: I do not condone this. I was not a believer at this point in my life) We didn't really fight a lot. I just remember being so in love with this guy that it scared me to death. The fact that he loved me and didn't care who knew it was something new for me. I think for a long time, even after our wedding, that I kept waiting for him to realize who he married and run for the hills. That never happened, lucky me!
We were married on February 14th, 1992, a mere 6 months after meeting. The negativity that our friends and family gave us was pretty regular. We were told we wouldn't make it past the first year more than once. Teddy had come out of a family of divorce and it had impacted him very deeply. It seared something in his heart and mind that divorce was never going to be an option for him. For me, I had no good examples of marriage. I fully expected him to do one of a few things: 1. Leave me 2. Hit me 3. Cheat on me. I mean that was what I had seen the adults in my life go through and why should I expect anything different in my own marriage?
About a month after our wedding I was pregnant with Tyler Wayne. And when Tyler was 19 months old I was pregnant with Dakota Grey. The stresses of marriage and kiddos began to really weigh down on us both. I became that nagging shrew of a wife that every man dreads and Teddy became the absentee hubby at night. He would get off work and hang out with his co-workers closing down the local bar. I'd be at home with the kids, stewing on how he was living "the life" and I was stuck at home. Well that certainly didn't translate into sweet loving home atmosphere. In fact, our first 5 years of marriage were hell. Let me repeat that dear reader, the first FIVE YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE WERE HELL!!! We fought so much. I threw countless things at him. We bought a lot of universal remotes during this period of our lives. He just couldn't figure out that he was a husband and father now. The party days are gone. Family is first. I couldn't figure out that it wasn't my job to nag him to death or scream at him all the time. We were so lost.
Eventually he joined the Army and became the man he was supposed to be. During his time in the military my own inner demons got the best of me and I had a clinical nervous breakdown. It was at this time that he could have left me and taken the boys. I was unfit at the time to be a wife or a mother. I was broken so badly that I can't give it adequate description here. He didn't leave, not even one tiny step backwards. He did everything he could to get me well. He even drove me 2x a week over an hour and a half away for my treatments. He never stopped telling me he loved me or that it would be ok. For his care and love during that darkest time in my life I am forever grateful. If that was the only thing he ever did for me I would love him till my dying breath but he's done so much more.
Years roll by and we find ourselves in the ministry. He's an amazing man of God. I look at him and I see Jesus. I hear it in his sermons. I see it when he's pouring over books to pass yet another class on his journey towards a Masters degree. I watch as he talks with the congregation. Shaking hands, laughing and encouraging. He's a man who is so in love with Jesus that I have to look through Jesus to see him. I have never loved him more than I do right now. His faith is amazing to me. I struggle with doubts and fears that I'm just not going to be with Jesus. I'm not good enough. I haven't figured out how to conquer all my past demons yet. He is a fount of never ending encouragement and words of wisdom for me.
He actually thinks I'm beautiful. Even 22 years later I'm like "whatever!" when he tells me that. I should really not do that I think. There is never a day that I experience a moment where I think "uh oh he doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me." Never in our years together have I felt that. Even when I was trying to make him leave me. . . he never did. There isn't a person on this earth that could ever come to me and say that my husband was cheating on me or didn't love me. You'd have a better chance convincing me that he's an alien. I've had my suspicious about that anyway! :P
Some would say that I'm being naïve that I say without hesitation that I know my husband loves me and would never cheat on me. To that I say, whatever! I used to feel a weird sense of guilt for having a great marriage. I'd hear things from other women and would see that desire in their eyes for me to agree or say that I had experienced the bad things to. I would feel uncomfortable talking about how perfect my marriage is. Now listen, I say perfect and I mean it. Perfect for me and for him.
There isn't anything that I don't know about him and he knows every single thing about me. I have held nothing back from him. Even from the very beginning I was honest with him. Today he is my #1 go to guy when I have a problem. He's the person I think of first in the morning and the last one I think of at night. I laugh more with him that I laugh with anyone else. And people, I laugh ALOT! I have the most amazing friends in my life that make me giggle on a daily basis but my man holds my funny bone in his hands. I love our inside jokes that only we get. Little phrases that we say which will crack us up and make others look at us like we've escaped the local nut house. I cry freely with him. He knows me so well that when my brain is causing me pain, when my depression is threatening to take me over, he is so in tuned with me that he sees it and knows what to do. That makes him my heavenly soul-mate.
Perhaps people don't really believe in soul-mates. I read a blog recently from a woman about her husband being her soul-mate and it made me look over at my man and smile. Cause I have my very own soul man! He's mine. There's something in the way he looks at me. The way his eyes twinkle when he's making me annoyed. He knows how to aggravate me to the point of smacking him! He is a know it all and you can't hardly win an argument with him. He's infuriating in this! Given those few minor annoyances he is simply beautiful to me. I would go anywhere he said to go. Sell everything I have to live with him in a tent somewhere, just as long as I have him. Yep, I love him to the very depths of my heart and soul but I genuinely like him as a person. How many married couples can say they really LIKE their mate? If you can't then you need to start trying harder because marriage is all about out serving your spouse.
He's snoring right now. Snoring like a rhino in Africa. Snoring like a rhino in Africa with a deviated septum! Seriously? I may or may not cover his head with a pillow to stop it! Nahh, I won't do that but I will end up shaking him violently. He'll start snoring again and I will put my hand on his back. Not to stop him but just because I like to feel him breathing. Sometimes I wake up after a nightmare and the only thing that calms me is putting my hand over his heart. He'll barely wake up and ask me what's wrong. I recount my nightmare and he prays for me in a sleepy voice, covers my hand in his and goes back to sleep. I know that I will get to keep him with me until Jesus calls one of us home. Preferably when we are in our late 90's surrounded by our kids, grandkids and great grandkids. It doesn't matter who goes first because it will be a very short time and we'll be reunited again with our true love Jesus Christ! I can say that Teddy is my greatest gift from the Lord on this earth. I'm so thankful for him and I don't tell him that enough.
Teddy you are definitely my endless love.
Love you babe.
Twenty-two years is a long time to be married today. We know lots of couples who have been married more than once. Lots of blended families. I'm not speaking badly of those situations just laying some ground work here for my blog. We were married at the ages of 18 and 19, only about 6 months after we first met. In fact, Teddy asked me to marry him on our first date. Now he didn't propose undying love he was simply trying to get lucky! His words! Our whirlwind love affair started at an ice cream shop called "Vanilla Ice." I can't make these things up people!
I suppose any love story that starts out in a place that served chunky chocolate by the scoop and had a pool table in it has got to survive the test of time right? Teddy rambled in one Saturday afternoon because his little brother was about to get his butt handed to him over a pool game. I'll never forget seeing him saunter into that place like he owned it. Long flowing dark blonde hair, flip flops . . . did I mention that he was wearing Bart Simpson boxer shorts as shorts? Yeah, I probably could have left that detail out. I thought he was pretty hot I mean I have always had a thing for long haired guys. It's left over from my teen years as an 80's rock chick. Let's just say that in the high society town of White Oak, Texas he was an oddity.
As much as I noticed him, he had noticed me. He swears it was my legs that caught his eye. I was a lot skinner back then and I was pretty cute. Cute enough to have a thing with a younger guy in White Oak that drove Teddy crazy. Crazy to the point that one night while I was on a date with the other guy he followed us all over the place in his rusted out Pinto! Eventually I gave in and he took me out on my very first date. When I used the word "date" earlier it wasn't a date. It was simply sex. Perhaps that's a bit blunt but it was reality for me at the time. For me I had learned to equate attention from guys with sex. That's how it was. I had become numb to that.
So here was this guy wanting to actually take me out on a date! I had no idea what that meant but I was pretty sure eventually it would just mean sex. Wasn't that what dating was all about? I had resolved myself to the fact that I wasn't ever going to have a boyfriend or anything serious but at least I could have come companionship however brief it was. He picked me up in his Pinto and it broke down on the way to the restaurant! HA! I'll never forget him hopping out of the car like it was no big deal and fiddling under the hood. I honked the horn. He bumped his head. It was the first time we had a genuine laugh at being silly.
Our first date was so strange but sweet for me. He took me to the Cotton Patch. I thought that was so fancy! I was scared to eat in front of him so I ordered a salad. A salad is safe right? Figured I would scarf something down later but right now I was going to look dainty. Umm, my salad came in a punch bowl with a gravy boat of ranch dressing! People, I am not kidding! It was the biggest salad I had ever seen. Teddy laughed all night about that. I took a doggy bag home of salad but I remember thinking I loved that he laughed so much. I hadn't really experienced that with anyone by my few friends.
Somehow we ended up at the mall. I wasn't really a mall girl. We went into a store, I think it was called General Merchandise but I can't really remember, and he led me to the jewelry department. Well let me tell you I was freaking out! What the heck was he trying to pull? I mean at that time in my life I would have "given it up" without some jewelry!! He bought me a small ring with two connected hearts that very first night. Not only that he put it on my finger. Later that night he would tell me he was going to marry me. I was petrified by this guy but at the same time I was pretty sure I had met the man meant for me.
Our next date was pretty simple. We went to a park at night and sat on the swings and talked. Oh and we kissed! Well what was throwing me for a loop was that he wasn't pushing sex on me. In fact, he wanted to take me to the Gregg County Fair on our next date! Well now THAT is a date! So, we walked into the fair a few days later and for the first time in my life a guy held my hand. I remember thinking "What is wrong with this dude??" My hand got clammy and I was constantly rubbing it on my jeans but he always took it back in his hand. Eventually I was smiling and kept looking down at that mash up of fingers and thought it was really nice. Our sweet walk around the fair was interrupted by an "ex" of mine. Not really an ex just someone I had slept with in my quest for intimacy. He called me over and actually flirted with me in front of Teddy. Teddy didn't not like that and basically told the guy to never talk to me or look at me again. Ha! I was freaking out inside because no guy had ever took up for me or "fought" for me. Well, this was getting really interesting and I was in uncharted waters.
I sort of imploded a bit and tested his nerves I think. I showed up very drunk at his home one night. I think that subconsciously I was trying to see if I could run him off. Didn't work and he stuck with me. I moved in with him and his mother about six weeks after meeting him. (Please note: I do not condone this. I was not a believer at this point in my life) We didn't really fight a lot. I just remember being so in love with this guy that it scared me to death. The fact that he loved me and didn't care who knew it was something new for me. I think for a long time, even after our wedding, that I kept waiting for him to realize who he married and run for the hills. That never happened, lucky me!
We were married on February 14th, 1992, a mere 6 months after meeting. The negativity that our friends and family gave us was pretty regular. We were told we wouldn't make it past the first year more than once. Teddy had come out of a family of divorce and it had impacted him very deeply. It seared something in his heart and mind that divorce was never going to be an option for him. For me, I had no good examples of marriage. I fully expected him to do one of a few things: 1. Leave me 2. Hit me 3. Cheat on me. I mean that was what I had seen the adults in my life go through and why should I expect anything different in my own marriage?
About a month after our wedding I was pregnant with Tyler Wayne. And when Tyler was 19 months old I was pregnant with Dakota Grey. The stresses of marriage and kiddos began to really weigh down on us both. I became that nagging shrew of a wife that every man dreads and Teddy became the absentee hubby at night. He would get off work and hang out with his co-workers closing down the local bar. I'd be at home with the kids, stewing on how he was living "the life" and I was stuck at home. Well that certainly didn't translate into sweet loving home atmosphere. In fact, our first 5 years of marriage were hell. Let me repeat that dear reader, the first FIVE YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE WERE HELL!!! We fought so much. I threw countless things at him. We bought a lot of universal remotes during this period of our lives. He just couldn't figure out that he was a husband and father now. The party days are gone. Family is first. I couldn't figure out that it wasn't my job to nag him to death or scream at him all the time. We were so lost.
Eventually he joined the Army and became the man he was supposed to be. During his time in the military my own inner demons got the best of me and I had a clinical nervous breakdown. It was at this time that he could have left me and taken the boys. I was unfit at the time to be a wife or a mother. I was broken so badly that I can't give it adequate description here. He didn't leave, not even one tiny step backwards. He did everything he could to get me well. He even drove me 2x a week over an hour and a half away for my treatments. He never stopped telling me he loved me or that it would be ok. For his care and love during that darkest time in my life I am forever grateful. If that was the only thing he ever did for me I would love him till my dying breath but he's done so much more.
Years roll by and we find ourselves in the ministry. He's an amazing man of God. I look at him and I see Jesus. I hear it in his sermons. I see it when he's pouring over books to pass yet another class on his journey towards a Masters degree. I watch as he talks with the congregation. Shaking hands, laughing and encouraging. He's a man who is so in love with Jesus that I have to look through Jesus to see him. I have never loved him more than I do right now. His faith is amazing to me. I struggle with doubts and fears that I'm just not going to be with Jesus. I'm not good enough. I haven't figured out how to conquer all my past demons yet. He is a fount of never ending encouragement and words of wisdom for me.
He actually thinks I'm beautiful. Even 22 years later I'm like "whatever!" when he tells me that. I should really not do that I think. There is never a day that I experience a moment where I think "uh oh he doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me." Never in our years together have I felt that. Even when I was trying to make him leave me. . . he never did. There isn't a person on this earth that could ever come to me and say that my husband was cheating on me or didn't love me. You'd have a better chance convincing me that he's an alien. I've had my suspicious about that anyway! :P
Some would say that I'm being naïve that I say without hesitation that I know my husband loves me and would never cheat on me. To that I say, whatever! I used to feel a weird sense of guilt for having a great marriage. I'd hear things from other women and would see that desire in their eyes for me to agree or say that I had experienced the bad things to. I would feel uncomfortable talking about how perfect my marriage is. Now listen, I say perfect and I mean it. Perfect for me and for him.
There isn't anything that I don't know about him and he knows every single thing about me. I have held nothing back from him. Even from the very beginning I was honest with him. Today he is my #1 go to guy when I have a problem. He's the person I think of first in the morning and the last one I think of at night. I laugh more with him that I laugh with anyone else. And people, I laugh ALOT! I have the most amazing friends in my life that make me giggle on a daily basis but my man holds my funny bone in his hands. I love our inside jokes that only we get. Little phrases that we say which will crack us up and make others look at us like we've escaped the local nut house. I cry freely with him. He knows me so well that when my brain is causing me pain, when my depression is threatening to take me over, he is so in tuned with me that he sees it and knows what to do. That makes him my heavenly soul-mate.
Perhaps people don't really believe in soul-mates. I read a blog recently from a woman about her husband being her soul-mate and it made me look over at my man and smile. Cause I have my very own soul man! He's mine. There's something in the way he looks at me. The way his eyes twinkle when he's making me annoyed. He knows how to aggravate me to the point of smacking him! He is a know it all and you can't hardly win an argument with him. He's infuriating in this! Given those few minor annoyances he is simply beautiful to me. I would go anywhere he said to go. Sell everything I have to live with him in a tent somewhere, just as long as I have him. Yep, I love him to the very depths of my heart and soul but I genuinely like him as a person. How many married couples can say they really LIKE their mate? If you can't then you need to start trying harder because marriage is all about out serving your spouse.
He's snoring right now. Snoring like a rhino in Africa. Snoring like a rhino in Africa with a deviated septum! Seriously? I may or may not cover his head with a pillow to stop it! Nahh, I won't do that but I will end up shaking him violently. He'll start snoring again and I will put my hand on his back. Not to stop him but just because I like to feel him breathing. Sometimes I wake up after a nightmare and the only thing that calms me is putting my hand over his heart. He'll barely wake up and ask me what's wrong. I recount my nightmare and he prays for me in a sleepy voice, covers my hand in his and goes back to sleep. I know that I will get to keep him with me until Jesus calls one of us home. Preferably when we are in our late 90's surrounded by our kids, grandkids and great grandkids. It doesn't matter who goes first because it will be a very short time and we'll be reunited again with our true love Jesus Christ! I can say that Teddy is my greatest gift from the Lord on this earth. I'm so thankful for him and I don't tell him that enough.
Teddy you are definitely my endless love.
Love you babe.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Guilty Until Claimed Innocent
I love watching COPS. It's a serious addiction I think. Its mostly due to my deep love and respect for law enforcement but also because I'm convinced I should have been a cop. So I live vicariously through my best gal pal Rox and her life as a law enforcement officer and through shows like COPS.
I like to claim that I have street training as a cop because I watch so many crime shows. ;) I'm still waiting for my badge and taser to be issued to me by some police force. At the beginning of ever episode of COPS the voice says, "All subjects are innocent until proven guilty." I've heard that so many times. Something caught my attention tonight as I heard it again.
I was never innocent until proven guilty. I was guilty until Jesus Christ claimed me and made me innocent. I had an "aha" moment and couldn't wait to get to my computer to write it out. In our world today it's PC to make sure everyone is innocent until proven guilty. You could catch a crook in your house, with your t.v. in his hands headed out the door and hold him til the cops show up. When the police arrive they will cuff him and read him his rights. As he waits for trial he is absolutely innocent unless the lawyers can prove him guilty of the crime. His lawyers will do all they can to prove him innocent.
In our spiritual lives this is completely flipped on it's head. I was completely guilty of every heinous sin you can think of. The seed of the original sin, that sin of Adam from which all sin has grown, was planted inside me at conception. Within me was the ability to commit every crime great and small. Spiritually I was devoid of anything good and noble. I was bad and ignoble. I embraced the darkness and all that was evil in this world. I flaunted my guilty status like a badge to the world and to God.
When I sought out Christ in my pitiful state, I was ready to let Him remove all my guilty stains. When I walked forward into the light of His death and embraced the fact that He died for me, my death stains were washed off. It was like stepping under one of those super cool waterfall showerheads after rolling around in lots of mud. Not the fun mud that we like to play in as children. This was sewage mud, the worst you can imagine. Sticky in my hair, caked into every crevice of my soul. Stinking and foul to the heavens. There was no hiding my guilt no matter how much I proclaimed it! I stepped beneath that flow of crystal clear water and it began to fall off. In my mind, because I think dramatically, I can see the dirt continuing to flow off of me and swirl in the drain before it's gone forever.
Perhaps I'll continue to stand under that downpour of water from the Savior until I leave this world. Spiritually I am clean. I am dressed as a bride ready for her Groom. I am still on this earth and I still get contaminated. So, in my thoughts the cleansing never ends until He brings about the new heavens and new earth.
Some days I can still smell the foul stench that was my former self. I can feel the tendrils of that past life trying to bring me back. Its in those moments that I hit my knees beneath that water and move out of the way to allow the Warrior King to fight those hauntings back into the abyss. I am no longer guilty. I have been set free. My God, my Savior has rescued me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love.
Amazing grace.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
In The Days Of Noah
"Now the earth was corrupt in God's sight, and the earth was filled with violence. and God saw the earth, and behold, it was corrupt, for all flesh had corrupted their way on the earth. "
"And God said to Noah, "I have determined to make an end of all flesh, for the earth is filled with violence through them. Behold I will destroy them with the earth" (Genesis 6:11-13 ESV)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I downloaded a book called "As It Was In The Days Of Noah" by Jeff Kinley tonight. I barely got through the introduction and a few pages into the first chapter and I had to stop and write! I love that! I love feeling this compulsion to sit down and compose something that I know God is prompting me to write.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for Your Holy Spirit that grows creativity inside us all.
Anyway, this book is about the similarities between the time of Noah and our current world state. I knew that Jesus had spoken directly about Noah and the evil he faced. Typically when I think about Noah, I get the cartoon image we tend to teach our children. Cute boat, huggable animals and a pudgy Noah looking on. That's appropriate for children but it's most definitely not accurate for adults. We need truth! I need truth! I want to think more about these things I tend to gloss over in my reading of the Word. Noah is a good place to start I think.
From the book, "Jesus believed in Noah. And the flood. And the Ark. In fact, nowhere in Scripture is there even the slightest hint that the man Noah, his story, or the worldwide Flood event is a metaphor, mythological tale, morality parable, or fictional tale. On the contrary, the reality of the Flood even is firmly established. But of course you would expect this from the Bible right? Even more amazing, however, is that Jesus links the historicity of Noah and his Ark to the certainty of coming prophetic events and His physical return to this planet."
Stop right there! Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, believed in Noah. How many times have I read over the Scripture where Jesus references Noah and didn't even give one thought to this little pearl! My Lord believed something to be truth and it is truth. Period. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It was important enough for Him to reference it in His lifetime. It would probably be a good idea for me to dig deeper into Noah.
The author says, "Undoubtedly, Noah's is the quintessential story of prophecy, divine intervention, and judgment."
"This book unveils the heart of man and the holiness of God."
Scripture says that the people in Noah's time were wicked. They basically did whatever they wanted to do. There were no limits. Everything was permitted and nothing was off limits to the appetites of the people. Their hearts were evil. . . to the very core.
Ok. I'm thinking about this world around me and I see it without much effort. I mean it doesn't take a lot of investigative work to read the latest headlines of murder, rape, greed, lust and envy. So many more vile things are loose in our world and truth be told, much worse is set to come. We can't let ourselves become numb to the evil around us! Complacency will cause us to drown in wickedness and condone it.
Wake up from your slumber, O Christian!
Take into consideration these heart stopping words. I mean really meditate on them for a while. This is God the Father speaking about the people He created. The creation that He breathed literal life in to.
"And the Lord was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart. So the Lord said, "I will blot out an whom I have created from the face of the land, man and animals and creeping things and birds of the heavens, for I am sorry that I have made them" (Gen. 6:6-7)
This book asked a question that really caught me off guard- basically had I ever really thought about how God felt about the whole thing? Did I ever consider the words written in Scripture about His heart? I can honestly say that I have never thought about it, not once!
I feel shame in my heart because of this. How could I have read this story and never stopped to consider what these words meant.
From the book, "God's Spirit was grieved. He actually experienced sorrow, an unusual concept to contemplate, particularly in the context of judgment. But there are facets of God's relationship with humankind that emotionally affect Him, bringing lament and regret to His Spirit."
Grief. Sorrow. Lament. Regret.
Those words are not trivial. They are speaking about deep, gut wrenching emotion. How much more are these emotions in our God? How much more sorrowful is Jesus when He looks upon this world He died for? I simply cannot fathom it. I think I can but let's face it....I can't. All I know is that this one aspect of the big story of Noah has be upset and really thinking about myself.
What sorrows do I cause the Holy Spirit?
What areas of my life are bringing grief to the Lover of my Soul?
Am I causing the Father to lament my sin?
Have I caused Him any regret?
Oh, dear Lord, I pray that I have not! I just can't think on it too long because I get emotional. I want so much to make Him happy. I want to make Him proud of me, His daughter. I want to walk through this short life remembering that I have a crown upon my head, I am Holy because HE IS HOLY!
Abba,
You know my heart, my short comings, my weaknesses. There isn't anything I can hide from you. I try though! I must exasperate you so much when I do that! Forgive me Lord. Savior, Your mercy and grace to me are beautiful. They are music to my soul. Joy to my inmost being. Keep me focused on Noah as long as you need to Lord. I'm here, I'm Yours. Mold me and teach me. I want to be open to what You have in store for me. No more hanging out in the shallows -- I'm deep sea diving with You my Beloved.
(More to come as I read the book)
"And God said to Noah, "I have determined to make an end of all flesh, for the earth is filled with violence through them. Behold I will destroy them with the earth" (Genesis 6:11-13 ESV)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I downloaded a book called "As It Was In The Days Of Noah" by Jeff Kinley tonight. I barely got through the introduction and a few pages into the first chapter and I had to stop and write! I love that! I love feeling this compulsion to sit down and compose something that I know God is prompting me to write.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for Your Holy Spirit that grows creativity inside us all.
Anyway, this book is about the similarities between the time of Noah and our current world state. I knew that Jesus had spoken directly about Noah and the evil he faced. Typically when I think about Noah, I get the cartoon image we tend to teach our children. Cute boat, huggable animals and a pudgy Noah looking on. That's appropriate for children but it's most definitely not accurate for adults. We need truth! I need truth! I want to think more about these things I tend to gloss over in my reading of the Word. Noah is a good place to start I think.
From the book, "Jesus believed in Noah. And the flood. And the Ark. In fact, nowhere in Scripture is there even the slightest hint that the man Noah, his story, or the worldwide Flood event is a metaphor, mythological tale, morality parable, or fictional tale. On the contrary, the reality of the Flood even is firmly established. But of course you would expect this from the Bible right? Even more amazing, however, is that Jesus links the historicity of Noah and his Ark to the certainty of coming prophetic events and His physical return to this planet."
Stop right there! Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, believed in Noah. How many times have I read over the Scripture where Jesus references Noah and didn't even give one thought to this little pearl! My Lord believed something to be truth and it is truth. Period. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It was important enough for Him to reference it in His lifetime. It would probably be a good idea for me to dig deeper into Noah.
The author says, "Undoubtedly, Noah's is the quintessential story of prophecy, divine intervention, and judgment."
"This book unveils the heart of man and the holiness of God."
Scripture says that the people in Noah's time were wicked. They basically did whatever they wanted to do. There were no limits. Everything was permitted and nothing was off limits to the appetites of the people. Their hearts were evil. . . to the very core.
Ok. I'm thinking about this world around me and I see it without much effort. I mean it doesn't take a lot of investigative work to read the latest headlines of murder, rape, greed, lust and envy. So many more vile things are loose in our world and truth be told, much worse is set to come. We can't let ourselves become numb to the evil around us! Complacency will cause us to drown in wickedness and condone it.
Wake up from your slumber, O Christian!
Take into consideration these heart stopping words. I mean really meditate on them for a while. This is God the Father speaking about the people He created. The creation that He breathed literal life in to.
"And the Lord was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart. So the Lord said, "I will blot out an whom I have created from the face of the land, man and animals and creeping things and birds of the heavens, for I am sorry that I have made them" (Gen. 6:6-7)
This book asked a question that really caught me off guard- basically had I ever really thought about how God felt about the whole thing? Did I ever consider the words written in Scripture about His heart? I can honestly say that I have never thought about it, not once!
I feel shame in my heart because of this. How could I have read this story and never stopped to consider what these words meant.
From the book, "God's Spirit was grieved. He actually experienced sorrow, an unusual concept to contemplate, particularly in the context of judgment. But there are facets of God's relationship with humankind that emotionally affect Him, bringing lament and regret to His Spirit."
Grief. Sorrow. Lament. Regret.
Those words are not trivial. They are speaking about deep, gut wrenching emotion. How much more are these emotions in our God? How much more sorrowful is Jesus when He looks upon this world He died for? I simply cannot fathom it. I think I can but let's face it....I can't. All I know is that this one aspect of the big story of Noah has be upset and really thinking about myself.
What sorrows do I cause the Holy Spirit?
What areas of my life are bringing grief to the Lover of my Soul?
Am I causing the Father to lament my sin?
Have I caused Him any regret?
Oh, dear Lord, I pray that I have not! I just can't think on it too long because I get emotional. I want so much to make Him happy. I want to make Him proud of me, His daughter. I want to walk through this short life remembering that I have a crown upon my head, I am Holy because HE IS HOLY!
Abba,
You know my heart, my short comings, my weaknesses. There isn't anything I can hide from you. I try though! I must exasperate you so much when I do that! Forgive me Lord. Savior, Your mercy and grace to me are beautiful. They are music to my soul. Joy to my inmost being. Keep me focused on Noah as long as you need to Lord. I'm here, I'm Yours. Mold me and teach me. I want to be open to what You have in store for me. No more hanging out in the shallows -- I'm deep sea diving with You my Beloved.
(More to come as I read the book)
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