Are We Not Human?

 

¹² I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³ I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:12-13)

Sometimes I go through a tough season in life. It could be emotional, mental, physical or spiritual in nature. I've been through seasons of droughts that lasted years and I've experienced mere blips of hurt in otherwise serene seasons. This scripture reminds me that no matter what is happening in my life I've got to give thanks to Jesus Christ, my King.

Facing a tough spot right now and I am pleasantly surprised to find that I haven't completely shut down! I've kept my focus on Him and I'm finding that I know in whom I have believed. I've been in my Word a lot more lately. Going through good, solid Christian video material instead of regular t.v. Doing my quiet time every single day for the past 2 weeks. Seems to me that focusing on Christ instead of my problems really works for the soul.

Even though I may be in "want" I am not forgotten. The Father's love letter to me says this:

²⁴ Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! ²⁵ And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ²⁶ If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? ²⁷ Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ²⁸ But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! ²⁹ And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. ³⁰ For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. (Luke 12:24-30)

 

In the eight years that I have served beside my husband in the ministry I have always noticed one insinuation about preachers that always made me cringe and feel belittled. The thought that somehow your pastor is an employee of the church. The belief that he is an hourly employee of a church body is so prevalent in the church. I can remember each time vividly when someone made a snide comment about "I guess we pay the preacher too much money." It's usually uttered when the pastor or family have something new in their possession. It could be something as simple as a new skirt or as big as a new vehicle. From my view point it seems that people are confusing small church pastors with mega pastors and pastors seen on tv who are worth millions.

 

Let me assure you that being worth millions is not a "thing" with pastors! Can I also be so bold to say that true men of God do not go into the ministry with money as the first thought. Yes, a man has to provide for his family but a man of God knows that provision comes from the Lord. Just because your church cuts a check each week for your pastor doesn't mean you have ownership of him and have the right to question his purchases or choices. (Please note that I am speaking about everyday, normal choices. Of course, if you notice your pastor with a new Mercedes all of the sudden you should inquire and check out the finances of the church!)

 

There is a constant influx of information about people in the congregation that the pastor hears on a weekly basis. The needs, the lack of funds, the loneliness, the hurting, the angry, the offended. There are calls about health issues, hospital visits, surgeries and general malaise. Calls about marital issues, fighting, wayward kids. Conversations about lack of personal vision, theological questions and everything in between.

 

I wonder - how often does anyone in the congregation stop to think about the pastor and his needs? Is there any real thought put into the needs of his family? Are they ok? Are they struggling at any point for any reason? Sometimes it feels like the pastor is simply there to notice the plight of others, give advice and move on to the next crisis. Ok, I know this seems like I'm whining a bit and maybe, truth be told, I am. I'm a pastor's wife! I've seen it all! The good, the bad and the really ugly. I've seen all that from the congregation and even from my husband at some point.

 

But at the end of a Friday night after a tough week all I can say to that is this: I'm still human and so is your pastor.

 

Our Community Life Group prayed over Teddy last Sunday night. It was so needed and I know that it affected him greatly. He was being poured into and didn't have to pour anything out. His life gauge moved closer to full! So I suppose this posting on my blog is really about feeling like people care, not just about shallow things in our lives but that they care about every part of our lives. Your pastor (not just my husband but all men of God who are pastoring churches) need more from you than an "amen" on Sundays and a pat on the way out the door. They deserve more than that from the people that they lead. They have chosen a life that is hard and completely worth it at the end of the day.

 

We all know that they deserve respect but they also deserve even the most basic level of human compassion and concern from you. They are not super human and sometimes their lives are hard.

 

Just my thoughts.

Mls

This is my kingdom and it needs to fall

 



 

 

 

Standing, standing I'm standing on the promises of God.

 

 

"But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.

 

But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs." (1 Timothy 6:6-10)

 

 

I want my heart to be overflowing with gratitude for what I have been given by Jesus Christ. I want to be so caught up in the blessings of my life that I cannot be tricked into focusing on the things that I lack.

 

 

If I really stand back and look at my life I have nothing to regret. If Jesus took me home right now I doubt that I would look back and wish I had obtained so much more on this earth! I will simply wish that I had been more of an impact on this earth for His Kingdom.

 

If I know this then why am I sometimes caught up in the belief that I don't have enough? Why do I find myself restless and ready for something new? Why have I compared my life and what I have to others and felt as if I was missing something? I do this because I am not pursuing the things that God has commanded of me. It's not rocket science!

 

"Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses." (I Timothy 6:11-12)

 

The Afters have a song that says, "You lift me up when I am weak. Your arms wrap around me. Your love catches me so I'm letting go." If the arms of the Master of All has His arms wrapped around me then why should I focus on what this world, my flesh and my enemy say I am lacking? It's because I am still tethered to this world by my flesh. My spirit in thriving and alive in the presence of Jesus. The Holy Spirit resides in me and tries so hard to keep me on track.

 

I hesitate to say "but" after the above sentence. I don't want a "but" in my life! When I focus on my perceived lack in this materialistic world I am bringing disgrace on the name of my Lord. How can I forget that He provides for every aspect of nature so easily? And yet He says in His word that I am more precious than even nature!

 

Really? I seem to prefer to think I'm less than precious in the eyes of my Father. I think in a very twisted way it feels safer that way. If I keep my earthly eyes on my earthly prize then I don't have to really trust my spiritual eyes. Sad thing is that my earthly eyes are very weak! I am legally blind, good ol' 20/400 vision.

 



 

So my reality is that I trust my weary, worn out eye balls over the perfect eyes Jesus has given me. I don't trust my eyes to pour a glass of milk with out the help of my super strong eyeglasses, yet I let them guide me daily in my walk. Showing me in all the blurriness of astigmatism what it is that I lack in my life. I'm blindly leading my life when the Holy Spirit is pleading with me to let Him take my hand and lead me on the correct path. I'm heading for cliffs, pot holes and slippery slopes on my own. With Jesus I'm able to walk freely without worrying about stumbling and potentially harming myself.

 

Contentment is the acknowledgement and satisfaction of reaching capacity.

 

Serenity.

 

Gladness.

 

Ease.

 

Peace.

 

It is well with my soul. 

 

It is well.

 

No matter what happens.

 

No matter who I lose.

 

No matter how much I hurt.

 

No matter.

 

This is true contentment as far as I can figure out with my limited mind. Life is so much more than what my poor eyes are seeing.

 

Hope.

 

Love.

 

Friendship.

 

Grace.

 

Miracles.

 

Family.

 

Prayers answered.

 

Relationships restored.

 

Marriage.

 

Kids.

 

Grandbabies.

 

Laughter.

 

Fellowship.

 

Chocolate.   <:)>

 

Overcomers.

 

So many things around me should be in focus. I've got to take off the lenses of this world and slip on the clear vision of the Holy Spirit. My time here is so limited. I'm pretty tired of wasting it on the "what ifs." This life is so full of them! The ifs of life mean nothing.

 

I'm not here to glorify and worship the ifs/maybes of this life!

 

I'm created to worship the Creator and to be about His business.

 

I want to show that He is a living God not a dead god still in the tomb. How can my witness be powerful if I am wandering around, sightless and grumbling for a better tomorrow. What about right now? Scripture says if I have food and clothing I am to be content. It's enough!

 

Dear Abba,

 

Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Lead me to the cross.

 

Take everything I have if it gets me focused on You. Remove every desire I have for material gain and worldly things. Tear it out of me God! Yes, I know a wound will remain but I know that You will heal it.

 

I'm tired of the rat race. I'm tired of comparison. I'm tired of striving for more. I'm tired of the constant worry. I'm weary of it all. I just want You and nothing more. Everything else is just the icing on the cake. You are what I truly desire but I am so covered by the world. I'm so caught up in my sinful nature.

 

Help me clear my vision. Remove these scales trying to become permanent over my eyes. What have I besides You? I want nothing but You. I belong to You. Claim what is Yours and free me from these self-imposed chains of discontentment and selfishness.

 

Take it all because I don't want anything but You Lord.

 

Lead me to the cross.

 

-M

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Dragonfly Faith

Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in affliction and in irons, for they had rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High. (Psalm 107:10-12)

 

A definite theme ran through my day yesterday. First it was my husband's sermon on the third Commandment and then it was our evening Community Life Group and talking about how do we know if we are hearing God's voice as opposed to Satan or ourselves.

 

 

It's been a while since I got up at 5:30 a.m. and sat down with a cup of coffee and God's Word. I haven't touched my devotionals in a long time. I've been skimming by on the surface of my religion like a dragonfly on a still pond. I woke up this morning and opened up my Whispers of Hope prayer journal by Beth Moore. I was embarrassed to see that I had only made it to day four before I gave up and moved on to something else. Consistency is a big issue for me.

 

The topic of the day is basically about rebellion against God. I'm thinking to myself, rather smugly, that I do not rebel against God. I do a lot of thing but I DO NOT REBEL! Certainly this day's devotion did not apply to me and I contemplated moving on to something else when I read this sentence and I was instantly stopped in my tracks:

 

The biblical definition of rebelling against God is simply refusing God's counsel.

 

Rebellion is drawing back from God's Word.

 

And suddenly this smug little dragonfly was snatched into the mouth of a large bass! A light bulb went on over my head and I could almost feel the Holy Spirit rolling His eyes over my shoulder and saying, "Well duh!" I'm fairly certain that the Holy Spirit does have a sense of humor you know.

 

Back to my epiphany. Not only was I rebelling, I was carrying a flag and marching down the street with my rebellion! I was the poster child for it. Slap me down in a metal chair in the nearest "RA" (Rebellion Anonymous) meeting and I'd be leading it before too long. I am a rebel.

 

I go to church Sunday after Sunday. I show up for my Wednesday "Refueling in Flight" religiously, pun completely intended. The thing I haven't been doing in a long while is seeking His counsel first above all else. I've skimmed my precious Bible for passages that I am familiar with and found myself, well let's be honest here, bored with the rest. Yep I said it. My transparency might be shocking but I found it B O R I N G!

 

How can a child of the Most High God have found His word boring and of no real use?

 

How can I not have seen the dire situation of my spiritual life?

 

Where were the warning whistles and bells? The submarine siren blaring in my head and making me cringe?

 

I had to stop my train of thought immediately because I found myself wanting to question the Holy Spirit about where He was during all this. How dare He leave me to my own devices doesn't He know how frail and pathetic I am without His counsel? The nerve!!

 

The great Counselor quickly let me know that He's been here the whole time. He never left my side and in fact has been whispering in my ear, yelling at the top of His lungs while I chose to ignore Him and move about my life of my own accord.

 

 

"Healing is found in God's Word--not just in seeking healing--but in seeking Him. We can be children of the living God and still sit "in darkness and the deepest gloom" as "prisoners suffering in iron chains" because we refuse His counsel." {Beth Moore}

 

 

Thank you Beth, now would you kindly stop stepping all over my tender toes? I get it. I got it. It's all good. A change of direction has occurred and I'm optimistic about the outcome.

 

Psalm 119:2 testifies to the healing power of God's Word: "If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction."

 

 

Ain't that the truth! Had I not read my devotional this morning I would have kept on a very slippery path. My holy Life Coach decided I needed to be up at 5:30 a.m. before even the sun began to rise in the eastern sky.

 

 

Wake up from your slumber! Open up your eyes!

 

 

God's Word is His primary healing agent. I'm pumped up at this point and I go into Proverbs 4. I have to admit that I snickered because I just love when I experience God's sense of humor. What is the title of Proverbs 4 in my Bible you might ask dear reader?

 

 

A FATHER'S WISE INSTRUCTION  Ha! The entire proverb is about the importance of wisdom and God's Word. You cannot make this stuff up! If that's not supernatural forces at work in my life then I'm Donald Duck. I don't have feathers and I don't quack!

 

 

The fourth sentence into the proverb says this: "do not forsake my teaching."

 

Umm, ok Jesus I'm listening. Continue on reading and I get these morsels of spiritual food that are nourishment to my starving soul.

 

Proverbs 4

 

(v2) do not forsake my teaching

(v5) Get wisdom; get insight; do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth.

(v13) Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard her, for she is your life.

 

It goes on and on in that proverb. Obviously the Holy Spirit had a plan for me this morning and I listened. I took it to heart. I want to grab on to what He's saying to me with both hands and never let go. I want a fire not a flame. I want a tsunami of Jesus to flood through me, over me and into my life.

 

I'm listening Lord. I promise I'm listening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 



Sugar Coated Death Sentence

Words from the King Himself:

"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. " (John 14:6)

Thinking about truth. Not the wishy washy truth of the world but hard truth. Truth that can't be ignored no matter how hard you try. There are a million variations of worldly truth out there. One minute the media touts one "truth" and then it changes it completely into a new "truth."

I have lived a life being tossed on the sea of the world. I've changed my stance on issues as quickly as the news changed. I know that worldly truth is false.

There is only one truth that ever changes: Jesus Christ is the Messiah. He is the King. He is the only way that we will escape hell. He is the Truth of Life.

If we, as Christians, insist on sugar coating truth to the lost we are merely serving them barbed wire coated in chocolate and merely smiling as they choke it down. Too graphic? To bleak? To dark?

Not graphic enough! Not bleak enough! Not dark enough! The truth of this world and the one who rules it is so much darker than people understand.

We are handing out sugar coated death sentences when we fail to tell the lost the entire truth about our Lord!

He is loving, merciful, graceful, caring and forgiving to us.

He is also the Judge, the Truth, The Holy One, The Almighty.

We do Him a disservice when we only tell people about one side of the coin.

Let's stop dealing in the sweet, sticky things of our enemy. Let's deal in the glorious burning TRUTH OF CHRIST to the darkness around us.

The Blue Streak of My Soul

²⁶ And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. (Ezekiel 36:26-27)

=================

 

    

 

 

 I changed my hair yesterday. Perhaps I'm suffering from a midlife crisis or I'm just rebellin' a little. Which ever it is I did it and I don't regret it.

 

     I called up my hairstylist and said, "I need a change! Something has to change! I want color, lots of color." I'm sure that he wanted to tell me to slow down Rainbow Bright. I settled on blonde streaks with promised Luscious Lavender streaks. All I can say is, "the best laid plains of mice and men."

 

     My rebellion streaks, remember those Luscious Lavender things I mentioned earlier, well they turned into Blue Smurf streaks. I'm sure you are just riveted to your computer screen reading about my hair adventure. This really isn't about my hair, it may have started there but it ended in my soul.

 

    My hair caused some shock and awe at church. You know a good ol' Southern Baptist pastor's wife ain't supposed to be loud, sarcastic, moody, bossy, opinionated and darn tootin' she ain't supposed to have blue hair! I forgot to read the memo when Jesus signed me up for this ministry and truth be told, I think HE forgot to read it when HE designed me. I've tried to hard for 7 1/2 years to shove my rotund body in the square mold of a good and correct pastor's wife. If you are keeping up with the math that's only 6 months that I've been just trying to be who I'm designed to be and see what happens.

 

     Perhaps my blue streaks are my rally cry? The women of the 60's cried out how they were "woman" hear them roar! Perhaps I'm saying, "I am just a woman....I'm gonna holler now!" And to others I just want them to holler to! Be you, not the mold that the world sets around our beloved Christianity.

 

     And most definitely do not try to shove your unique self into the mold that we Christians have place strategically in our faith.

 

     My hair also caused some stares in the general public. Ok, this is a different feeling because people who don't know you wear exactly how they feel on their expressions when they see you. I spied my Mom and Ms. Carol eating lunch at a local Mexican place so I sauntered in to see what was going down with them two. You gotta keep an eye on them Golden Girls you know! Anyway, as I walked in a little lady was sitting in a booth, munching on a chimicanga or an empanada, and when she laid eyes on my hair. . . well let's just say I was worried that she was gonna choke on that Tex-Mex as she eyed me from head to toe.

 

     Now for a moment I forgot that my hair is bold now. I had forgotten I'd done something to stand out from the herd. I'm that sheep with the weird colored fur - wait, do sheep have fur?? Anyway you get the picture. It snapped for a second, "Oh yeah! You have blue in your hair dummy! What did you expect her to do."

 

     I smiled real big like at Chimichanga-chicky and moseyed on to my Mom. I'm pretty good and playing things off when they get to me. Have a good laugh. Crack a joke and I'll get over it eventually. I didn't get offended at her look. I got scared to stand out.

 

     I wanted to change MYSELF to appease her IDEA of NORMAL. I wanted to go back to the acceptable color of hair. The color of hair that doesn't make anyone quirk and eyebrow or look at me for longer than a few seconds. See, I'm ok hugging the wall. I'm the flower that rests BEHIND the wallflower and I'm cool with that. I felt abnormal as I walked out of that place, hoping that she would forget me.

 

     As I walked down to the pharmacy I almost got in the truck and just left. Figured I could stay inside for a few weeks until it faded. I remember something my hair guy said about baking powder and water....or was it soda? Then I felt that gentle nudge of God's HOLY SPIRIT inside me and I just shook my head and laughed. Maybe my blue hair streaks aren't holy enough for some to think that God cares but I can assure you that He does. He cares so much.

 

     My heart became calm and suddenly my blue streaks were a reminder of who I am in Jesus Christ! See I'm called out from among the lost. I've been shined up like a new penny people! I'm illuminated like a bonfire in the middle of nowhere but you can see the glow for miles before you find yourself at the fire's edge. So what if my blue streaks are just an illumination of what I feel inside?

 

     What if they are the spark that gets someone to ask me about them and then I can talk to them about an even greater fire I carry around? One they can't see like my hair. One that burns slowly, embers that have been stoked for the past 12 years inside me.

 

     So, I've decided that my hair is a shadow of my soul that resides with Jesus right now! Don't you dare expect me to be in Heaven running around just in white! I mean yeah, I want to wear that white but I can guarantee you that my Jesus, my Abba, will let me wear a rainbow of colors in my hair! You'll see me about town, New Jerusalem, with my ribbons and rainbow colored hair, because God has NEVER lost His claim on the rainbow even though it's been hijacked by sin. The RAINBOW OF COLORS IS HIS! It's a rainbow ya'll, not a black/white arch! RAINBOW

 

     And please let me warn you before hand; don't come at me with the "we shouldn't make our brothers stumble." I gotta say that if my blue streaks cause someone to stumble AWAY FROM JESUS, then they weren't ever headed toward Him in the first place.

 

     Let me tell you something dear reader!! When I saw Jesus there wasn't anything in this world that could have kept me away from Him. Nobody with funky hair, funky body odor or a funky sense of style could have kept me from Him! I was the woman with the issue of blood. I was spiritually anemic. I NEEDED HIM MORE THAN I NEEDED POPULAR APPROVAL!

 

     So, I like my blue streaks. When these fade I'll get another color if I choose. It's my hair that Jesus gave me. All curly, gnarly, frizzy and mysterious. I'm sure there are a few sets of keys and maybe a small animal or two in the knots that form but they are my knots. HE knows every hair on my head. HE has them numbered. HE KNOWS ME and HE LOVES ME ANYWAY!

 

     I'll close with this. I love you all but if I blow your idea of a PC appropriate Pastor's wife......GOOD! You need to destroy those molds that keep us bound up in legalism and unable to focus on worshiping Jesus. So from now on, when you see my hair, NO MATTER WHAT COLOR IT IS, just remember to tell Jesus you love him for your life here and in the hereafter.

 

     I'd be proud of that.

 

Mar

 

    

 

 

 



I Only Want . . .

My Beloved, bring me awake

Take me up to Your resurrection place

 

My Beloved, bring me awake

'Cause I wanna feel Your light on my face

 

My Beloved, take me away

Over Jordan up out of this place

 

My Beloved, for You I wait

With You here till forever face to face

 

Oh, there's a Sun coming up

In my soul, Lord in my soul

 

I see the Light

I see the Light

 

Oh thank you God I see the Light

 

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A day is going to come when I see Jesus face to face. I have no idea if it will be after death or when He comes back to claim His church.

 

 

What I do know is that I am going to live forever! So many amazing things are promised to me because I am His Beloved. Things that are beyond my imagination -- I have a great imagination by the way!

 

All those things promised are so over whelming. Can I just say that I only want one thing. . . well maybe a few more things! :)

 

I want to see His face.

 

I want to bow at His feet.

 

I want to fall on my face and touch His scarred feet with the very tip of my fingers. Would I even be able to lift a finger?

 

I want to feel His hands pull me up and smooth back the hair from my face.

 

I want to open my eyes and see His beautiful face through the lens of my tears.

 

I want to hear Him say, "Well done my daughter! I love you."

 

I want to hear His voice and feel my entire body tremble at the tone.

 

I want to find my voice in His presence and laugh! I want laughter to peal from my lips as I find myself in His embrace. I love to laugh in this life and I can only imagine how much better laughter will be with Him.

 

I want to feel His kiss on my cheek and His arms around me. Holding me close.

 

I can't wait until that moment because I'll never fear again. I'll never wonder again. I'll never doubt again.

 

My Beloved, take me away!

 

 



 



 

 



My Testimony

 

     I was thirty when Jesus called me out from the darkness that was my life. I was fully entrenched in the religion of Wicca and I sought out anything mystical and dark. I believed in evil forces and the supernatural. In my blindness I had never contemplated that if there is darkness in the supernatural then there has to be light. Life is about balance.

     I remember walking into a small church in the country. I was arrogant in my sinfulness. I had agreed to go because I loved my husband. I was cocky and angry that he even asked me. Hadn't we agreed early in our marriage that we would pursue our "religious" life separately and not judge each other? I remember feeling sick to my stomach as I stepped foot inside that building. I wasn't there to be saved. I didn't need the Christian view of God, I had my own gods. I believed in the god and goddess. I believed in mother nature and the law of karma. I didn't want to be a robot. Nope, I'll skip the Kool-Aid thank you Mr. Jones.

     There was absolutely nothing in my life before my salvation that would have pointed to the life I have now. I grew up in a home completely devoid of God. When I say there was no God, there was no God. It's not an exaggeration to get your attention. It's the cold hard truth. The gods of violence, drugs, alcohol, sexual deviance and abuse reigned in my life. There was no light and certainly no mention of Jesus Christ. I'm sure there were Christians in my middle school and high school but I was never witnessed to. I know there were Christians in my family but still no mention of Jesus and His love for me. There was only darkness and the struggle to just maintain my sanity in the chaos of my life.

     I worshipped very early in my life at the feet of the god that controls narcotics. I could self medicate pretty easily in my home. I learned which pills made me sleep and which ones just mellowed me out. I knew how many I could steal before my mother, in her own drug induced haze, would notice them gone. While other kids were getting excited for kids camp or riding their bikes, I was slipping the pills onto my tongue and waiting for the release that came with it. I was ten when I took my first pill. I was twelve when I crushed a Pepsi can and smoked weed out behind our trailer. I figured out what inhaling and holding was all by myself. I didn't have friends at that time who taught me. No one led me down the path of destruction outside my own home. I just figured it out.

     By the ancient age of 13 I was full blown marijuana user, regular partaker of pills and I began to drink. Anything to remove me from my surroundings. Anything to keep me from realizing that I was completely different from every kid in my school. I needed to be numb to the fact that they were never going to accept me, I'd never be a popular kid. I knew from the first day in 6th grade that people just knew about my life. They didn't know everything but I'm sure they had heard rumor from the adults in their lives. I was "that" kid in school. The one at the very bottom of the social ladder. I didn't explode, instead I imploded. I had a small group of outcast friends. We clung together in our feeble little herd just hoping we'd get through one day with out some sort of ridicule or cruel joke. Rarely happened.

     Something changed my life in the 8th grade. My mom got one of those book club flyers in the mail. Pick out 5 books for a penny! What a deal! I picked out fiction titles. All of them were dark, horror novels. I had never read anything remotely dark or dealing with the occult. My first book every into that world was "It" by Stephen King. I received it right after school let out my 8th grade year. I was faced with another summer of nothing to do. I didn't go to church. No one invited me to camp. Nothing was keeping me from reading. I picked up "It" with the clown on the front cover and read for 24 hours straight. I finished that book over night and I was forever changed. I was terrified! I remember being too scared to go to the bathroom so I had to run and flip on all the lights. Pennywise haunted my dreams for weeks after.

     I wasn't scared enough to stop and seek out something bright and airy. Why would I? What in my life would have directed me that way? Something felt right about reading these dark things. My next book was the Stand. My mind was blown! It began my interest in the occult and I spent the next 15 years delving into every inch of that dark world. I've never really been one to watch movies but when I did back then it was everything dark and twisted but the written word was always my muse. It still is today but for different reasons. I devoured books over that summer. I don't remember where I got them but there just seemed to appear. I read every book that Stephen King wrote by the time I was a junior.

     I changed a lot from the timid freshman outcast. I had moved to Houston and attended a massive high school where no one knew who I was. Nobody cared about my home life. I was invisible and I loved it. I found strength in it. I branched out and actually sought friendships. Then we moved back to my hometown in the middle of my junior year. I was devastated and so angry. I went from being a nobody in a very large fish tank to "that" girl in a tiny goldfish bowl. I was the freak again. I was the one that was perpetually excluded. I had never stood up for myself in the years before my return that year. I had always just walked away from the insults or tried to just ignore it. If I could just walk into the classroom and keep my head down maybe the hyenas would be circling another poor sap. That year I was mad at the world. I snapped back in a class at one of the popular kids and I actually screamed at them! I remember it so vividly because I went to the principals office. I had never been in trouble. I spent a lot of time in the OCS and the principals office after that. I had found my dysfunctional voice and I was roaring with anger. Lots of anger.

     Dear reader please understand that I am not bitter about my school years. I'm really not! I have forgiven every person that hurt me in those years. They were kids and I don't know what their lives were truly like. So, please know that I am not ragging on those people and saying they were the cause of my bad life.  The only thing I really want to know from someone is why no one ever shared Christ with me? I know a lot of them went to the local 1st Baptist and other churches. I'd heard them talking many times about youth group and activities but never once was I invited. No one ever looked at me and thought for a second that maybe what I needed was some Light in my life. That being said I could ask the very same question of people in my own family! Just simply, why?

     I barely graduated (thank you Lynett for making me do the right thing) and struggled for years. I still wanted the things of the darkness. I loved anything mystical or supernatural. I sought out spirits. I wanted a spirit guide. All the while fueling myself with drugs and alcohol. Spiritually I was a swirling mass of everything dark. I was vile and putrid. I was the enemy of God. I was the solider who gladly nailed Jesus' feet to the cross. Back then I would have done it and smiled. I didn't care about anyone or anything. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to be something powerful. To make sure that no one ever had power over me again. I wanted power to make my own choices and decide my own fate. My love affair with the occult made that happen for me, or so I thought.

     Years ticked by. I got married and had kids. I loved those three people as much as I could at the time. I was broken inside. I had done so many things to myself and those around me. I was hateful, bitter, mean, fearful and so very lost. I never found that power I thought Wicca would give me. I had the altar, the statues of the god and goddess, the special branch and rocks. I cast runes and read tarot. I had a spell book. I prayed to those dead things on that pathetic altar and nothing ever happened. I was one of the 500 prophets of Baal who faced off against Elijah. My god was busy, couldn't hear me, maybe he/she forgot their phone. I was floundering in my life and it was all because my spiraling vortex of a dark soul was imploding on itself.

     I was a dark warrior. I hated everything about Christ and most definitely His followers. Those self absorbed hypocrites! I could tear down a Christian in an AOL chat room like a pro. Oh, did I mention at this point in my life the internet boomed and AOL came on the scene. That opened up worlds of communication that this ol' introvert loved. I would spend hours upon hours debating with Christians in their own chat rooms. Pointing out inconsistencies in their precious Bible. Tearing Jesus limb from limb. I would write out the most vile things about Jesus and their religion. I was wicked.

     Society was turned "wicked" into a cool slang word. The reality of being wicked isn't cool. Its horrifying. I was a beast. I thought I was so free and enlightened. So much more intelligent than those Christians in the chat rooms. Don't forget this was the only experience I had with Christians. No flesh and blood interactions at this point. If I could have seen myself in the spiritual world I would have been shocked to death. Spiritually I was a groveling slave at the feet of Satan. I would have seen myself bound in chains from head to toe. I would have seen terrible things about myself. Jesus saw me as I was back then and He loved me still. Even when His children didn't reach out to me in my prison cell, He saw me. He kept me alive. There are 3 distinct moments in my life where I should have died.  Jesus had other plans and I survived.  They are actual miracles in my life. God's providence making itself known in my puny, evil, wicked life. He had a plan and nothing was going to thwart that plan.

     I had a clinical, sure 'nuff, nervous breakdown at the age of 26. I cracked like an egg over a hot skillet. My mind, heart, soul and body just couldn't take the emotional load I had been carrying since childhood. I'd had enough and I lost touch with reality. I've been through extensive psychotherapy and countless counseling sessions. I've been on just about every "crazy" med you can think of. I was taking Seroquel nightly at one point just to be able to sleep. I was being demonically attacked constantly after my nervous breakdown. Maybe you don't believe in that kind of thing but I'm living proof it happens. It's real. The battle is raging and we can't always see the battlefield.

     Jumping forward to my 30th year, I was a shell. I had full blown OCD, Agoraphobia, Panic/Anxiety and major, crippling depression. Meds kept a lot of it at bay but it didn't cure me. It's at this point that Jesus decided it was time to bring me on board. My calling out from the darkness had nothing to do with me in the beginning. I did not want to go to church! I had no idea what craziness was working in my husband but I was not amused. That Saturday night before going to church I smoked every big of weed I had. I was protesting in my own way. I had no way of knowing that Jesus was calling me for His army. He had a magnificent plan of redemption for me. I was fearfully and wonderfully made and I was going to see that! His time had come in my life.

     My salvation story isn't super exciting. In fact, it's pretty bland I suppose. I was sitting in my living room in the middle of the night and I just got on my knees. I cried a lot. I remember talking to Jesus, asking Him to please be real. I let Him know that I most certainly could not take another false god in my life. I needed Him to be exactly who He said He was in the Bible. I needed Him to live up to the hype that His people shared with me. He had to be real. In that moment of me pouring out my heart to Him I just knew. I knew He was real and that He loved me. I also saw all my sin vividly and I was wrecked. I was sick and I couldn't have stopped crying if I tried. It was at that moment, at 30 years old, that I truly saw how wretched I was. How much I had wrecked my spiritual self with all the darkness I embraced. I saw that I had opened myself up to so much wickedness and that I had no one to blame. I couldn't blame my mom. I couldn't blame the kids in school. I couldn't blame anyone but myself. I couldn't even blame Satan. I had made my choices.

     I'm not sure how long I stayed on the floor. At some point I think I was face down on the carpet. When I stumbled to my feet I was a new creation and I felt it!! I was now a warrior princess in the family of the one true King of the Universe! I wasn't invisible and pathetic anymore. I remember feeling like I was on fire inside! I felt light as a feather. I had never felt light as a feather but it was awesome!! Of course, I cried all over again but they were tears of thankfulness. He had taken my load that was so heavy on my shoulders. Years of self loathing, bitterness, isolation, depression, abandonment gone! So many more burdens were lifted and they are too great to list here. Some of my burdens are not things that I will ever share. Those are between me and my Jesus.

     I am now 42 and I am always preparing for the battle. Satan simply loathed me before salvation. Since my salvation he despises me to the depths of his black heart. I'm not some super special Christian that caught the eye of Satan. I'm a Daughter of the King who was rescued by her Prince! Jesus destroyed the chains that were holding me, biting into my skin, keeping me from looking up into the Son. I still struggle with my mental issues. It's a matter of the brain, it's real and it's something I'll struggle with till I go to Him. That's ok I can handle it because I know that every day that Jesus keeps me on this earth I have training to do. I'm learning all the time. I never want to stop learning! I have so much space to fill in a void that was left by the darkness. I want as much Light as I can stand and then I want even more!

     So that's my condensed salvation story. I'm long winded, I'm told that a lot! I hope that it helps someone. Maybe it'll stir something in a heart that is dark. Maybe it will perk up the hear of a fellow Christian who is dulled by this world. The battle isn't over because I got saved. The battle is raging on still but the awesome thing is that Jesus Christ has already won! I'm on the winning side! He picked me! He saw something good in me! He saw something in me that He wanted for Himself! Can you believe that? I hope that you can believe it because it's true. Not just for me but for you too.

With the love of Christ,
Mar